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Tom walked toward the building. There were no signs, only a revolving door leading to a lobby. He considered walking to one of the other buildings but they all looked the identical. What if this one was “his building\u201d, and after checking the other buildings he didn’t remember which one was his? If he was dead, he didn’t want to end up an aimless spirit lost in purgatory because he lost his building.<\/p>\n
Tom stepped through the revolving door and entered a small lobby leading to a receptionist’s window. The walls were bare except for a single painting of a dog, hanging askew. There was a small alcove with a table that had a few magazines on it, all 1970s issues of Sports Illustrated. Tom walked up to the receptionist’s window and pressed the buzzer. When the window opened, a small red creature with black horns greeted him.<\/p>\n
“Jesus!” Tom yelled, stepping back.<\/p>\n
The creature cocked an eyebrow as it spoke. “I get that a lot. Honestly, we don’t look a thing like each other.”<\/p>\n
“Where am I? Is… is this Hell?” Tom stuttered, staring at the creature. Besides the red skin and horns, its eyes were all black with no pupils. It was dressed in a forest green blazer that had a nametag clipped to the lapel. Whatever it was, it’s name was Nybbas.<\/p>\n
The creature was standing on the receptionist’s chair in order to reach the window. Tom could see its little cloven hooves digging into the fabric trying to steady itself as the chair tried to swivel under him.<\/p>\n
“Didn’t the dog tell you?” Nybbas said.<\/p>\n
Tom looked around behind him. “Dog?”<\/p>\n
Nybbas snorted. “Dammit, that dog… always running about, he’s supposed to guard this place! We put one of those Invisible Fence collars on him, but does he care? No! Just runs right through it. I told them he needed a collar for each head, but procurement wouldn’t authorize buying more than one. Just give me a sec, okay?”<\/p>\n
Nybbas plopped back down in his chair and picked up his desk phone and dialed. “Lydia? Nybbas. Cerberus is loose again, you need to call Thade down in… you need to call, Lydia. No, you do. Because you’re in charge of him. Yes\u2026 no\u2026 Lydia, he won’t listen to me. No… Lyd… Lydia\u2026 when the big guy finds out… Uh huh. Yeah. What\u2019s that? Are you serious? How far can he run? Is that really your response right now? We’re floating on a lake of fire, Lydia! Just call Thade. Call Thade, Lydia. That\u2019s your job. Thank you.”<\/p>\n
Nybbas set the phone back on the cradle and stroked one of his horns between his fingertips. “I can’t deal with this shit today.”<\/p>\n
Nybbas sat like that for a few minutes before Tom coughed, reminding him of his presence.<\/p>\n
Nybbas looked up and spoke. “Oh, new guy. Yeah this is Hell. Let me pull your file up. Name?”<\/p>\n
Tom cleared his throat, his voice shaking a little. “Tom Northrup.”<\/p>\n
Nybbas typed his name into the computer. “Let’s see, new arrivals, ah! There you are! Theft, Lord’s name in vain, general dickish behavior. Wow! Got popped by a bus after lifting some old broad\u2019s purse! This isn’t your day, bub.”<\/p>\n
“So that’s it, I’m dead? And in Hell? Nothing I can do about it now?” Tom felt a lump in his throat as his eyes watered. “I\u2019m still just a kid! I\u2019m too young to be dead already. I have so much still to do, and mom, oh shit my poor mother…”<\/p>\n
“Oh boy, we’ve got a crier,” Nybbas said. “Listen, Hell isn’t so bad. You ever hear the expression that history is written by the victors?\u201d<\/p>\n
Tom nodded, sniffing as he dabbed his eyes with his shirt collar.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn a nutshell, that’s Hell,\u201d Nybbas continued. \u201cThe Bible talked this place up like a real shithole, but what else was the big G supposed to do? Had to keep you humeys in line, didn’t he?”<\/p>\n
Tom took a deep breath and straightened his shirt, his collar damp from wiping his tears. “Doesn’t matter much now anyways, does it? I’m here.”<\/p>\n
“There’s the spirit!” Nybbas said. “And look, since it\u2019s such a slow intake day, you’re going straight up to meet with Satan.\u201d<\/p>\n
“I’m meeting Satan?” Tom asked, his voice shaking.<\/p>\n
Nybbas nodded. \u201cYou should be honored! Most humeys have to wait a week before they get to meet him.”<\/p>\n
Tom stepped away from the desk, looking back at the revolving door.<\/p>\n
“Don’t get any ideas kid,” Nybbas said. “Outside that door? Still Hell. Run for a hundred miles in any direction? Still Hell. And on the off chance you do make it to the edge, there\u2019s the whole lake of fire you\u2019ve got to deal with. Runners never make it, and it just pisses everyone off. Don’t make me have to call Lydia again. You’d really be busting my balls if you did.”<\/p>\n
Tom gave the door another glance before stepping back to the window.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood call, new guy.\u201d Nybbas stood back up on his chair and leaned out the window. He handed Tom an envelop. \u201cBefore you go up, this is your new resident packet. It has your badge in it, that\u2019s what you use to get back to your quarters after you meet with Satan. Just put it in the slot in the elevator and it will do the rest. After he gives you your punishment, the key will update with that information and take you to your punishment site when the time comes. Got it?\u201d<\/p>\n
Tom opened his packet, pulling out his badge that was attached to a lanyard made of braided horse hair.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe lanyard is a bit itchy, but this is Hell.\u201dNybbas said. \u201cJust put it in your pocket, no one really cares. This isn\u2019t the other place, we\u2019re not big on rules. Just don\u2019t lose it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tom stuffed the badge and lanyard in his pocket. The rest of the packet were typical welcome literature, phone lists, and a FAQ page.<\/p>\n
\u201cBig guy is ready for you,\u201d Nybbas said. \u201cStep on the elevator and insert your card in the reader.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cElevator?\u201d Tom asked. \u201cBut there\u2019s no\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
When he turned to look, one of the walls of the lobby had opened up, revealing an open elevator door. Tom stepped into the elevator, which was all black and had no controls other than the card reader. Tom slid his card through it; the door dinged and closed behind him. Just before the door closed, Nybbas called out to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cNew guy! When you meet Satan, be sure to\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
The door closed.<\/p>\n
Be sure to what? Tom thought, as the elevator started moving. Up or down, he couldn\u2019t tell.<\/p>\n
The elevator played an instrumental version of\u00a0We Built This City<\/em>\u00a0by Starship. As the elevator moved, the thought occurred to Tom that maybe the elevator was to be his torment. He was claustrophobic, perhaps he would spend an eternity trapped in an elevator? His breathing quickened and his heart thudded against his ribcage (or was that just in his mind?) as the elevator continued its journey.<\/p>\n Just as he was about to break, Tom heard a ding as the door opened. A great red serpent pushed its head into the opening of the elevator. Its fangs dripped with venom as it looked into Tom\u2019s eyes, its tongue darting between the gap of its front teeth. It let out a horrible hiss, causing Tom to cup his hands over his ears and curl into a ball on the floor of the elevator.<\/p>\n It spoke in a deep, raspy voice that rattled in Tom\u2019s chest and felt like his ears were going to pop.<\/p>\n \u201cWelcome to Hell!\u201d it boomed, followed by maniacal laughter. And then poof, it was gone.<\/p>\n Tom looked up from his fetal position to see a humanoid demon with red skin and long black horns pointing at him and laughing. The demon was dressed in a business suit with his hair pulled back in a ponytail. The well dressed demon almost fell over and was holding himself up against the wall of the elevator, pointing and laughing.<\/p>\n \u201cYour face right now,\u201d he said in between laughing fits, \u201coh my God that\u2019s priceless! You didn\u2019t piss your pants did you? No shame in that, no shame at all.\u201d<\/p>\n Tom wasn\u2019t sure, he looked down and didn\u2019t see any wetness, so he shook his head no.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s good then, save you a bit of embarrassment wetting yourself the first time you meet Satan. Which is me, hello.\u201d Satan did a half bow. \u201cThen it would be all awkward the next time you saw me, you\u2019d be wondering if I\u2019d be telling everyone that you pissed yourself when you left the room. Which I would if you did, but since you didn\u2019t I won\u2019t. Alright, come on now, up with you.\u201d<\/p>\n Satan reached out for Tom to take his hand.<\/p>\n \u201cIt was just a joke, rather funny one I might add\u201d Satan said with a beaming grin on his face. Tom reached out and Satan pulled him up onto his feet.<\/p>\n \u201cIn case you were wondering about the snake thing, Revelation 12:9 \u2018The great dragon was hurled down\u2014that ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world\u2019, so it\u2019s kinda required. His orders.\u201d Satan pointed up, rolling his eyes. \u201cWell, not really. My idea. I get a kick out of it, it\u2019s a good icebreaker.\u201d<\/p>\n Satan led Tom to a seat in front of a giant desk in the middle of the room. Satan sat in the chair on the other side of the desk, leaning forward, his elbows on the desk as he rested his chin on his fists.<\/p>\n \u201cWell here we are, I\u2019m Satan, this is Hell,\u201d Satan said.\u201d And you\u2019re\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTom Northrup,\u201d Tom replied.<\/p>\n Satan gasped. \u201cDid you say Tom Northrup?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTHE Tom Northrup?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI, I guess so?\u201d Tom stuttered.<\/p>\n \u201cOh wow, this is big. Real big. We\u2019ve been waiting for you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cReally?\u201d Tom asked.<\/p>\n Satan nodded. \u201cOh yeah! Biggest new arrival since Hitler.\u201d<\/p>\n Tom\u2019s jaw dropped. \u201cMe? Really? I wasn\u2019t that bad, was I?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh yeah, we\u2019ve got a huge file on you, Tom,\u201d Satan said, as he leaned down and lifted a hefty file from the bottom drawer of his desk. \u201cEverything in here says you\u2019re a bad dude.\u201d<\/p>\n Tom was stunned. Sure he, stole a few things and wasn\u2019t the nicest person, but was he really that bad?<\/p>\n The devil leaned forward, talking just above a whisper. \u201cWanna know what it says about you?\u201d<\/p>\n Tom nodded. The devil opened the file, shaking his head and clicking his tongue as he turned the pages. His face shifted from disgust to shock with every turn of the page.<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t tell you everything in there, for reasons of security, but can I ask you something?\u201d<\/p>\n Tom nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat was it like diddling all those puppies?\u201d<\/p>\n Tom furrowed his brow. \u201cDoes it say I did that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah! Right here,\u201d Satan said, pointing to no page in particular.<\/p>\n \u201cThere must be some sort of mistake, I never\u2026\u201d Tom said, but was interrupted by Satan laughing and smacking his hand against the desk.<\/p>\n \u201cI got you again!\u201d Satan said. He wiped tears of laughter from his cheek, one sizzled as it landed on the desk. \u201cYou\u2019re easy, Tom. If that IS your real name. And it is, I know because I\u2019m Satan and all that.\u201d<\/p>\n Tom exhaled. Or at least he thought he did; he still wasn\u2019t sure about the whole breathing thing.<\/p>\n They sat in silence, the devil staring at Tom, smiling. It was an awkward silence, Tom unsure if he should say something or if Satan was just looking him over. Tom glanced around the room, avoiding Satan\u2019s gaze. The walls of the office were bare, except for a giant window along the side. Outside, gray buildings stretched for miles in every direction. Off in the distance, the glow of fire rimmed the edge of the buildings.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you like boats?\u201d Satan asked.<\/p>\n \u201cBoats?\u201d Tom repeated, puzzled by the question.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, boats. Were you much of a boater in life?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, I can\u2019t say that I was,\u201d Tom answered.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, that\u2019s too bad,\u201d Satan said.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, no reason,\u201d Satan said.<\/p>\n More silence. Satan picked up a pen and began drawing on the cover of the folder.<\/p>\n Tom grew up in a Southern Baptist household, and even though he hadn\u2019t been to church since he was eleven he recalled the fiery sermons his pastor gave describing Satan as this great deceiver, liar, and tormenter. Satan was a monster. He devoured souls and tormented them for eternity in a lake of fire. At no point in his Sunday school studies did the devil scribble crude drawings of cats with gigantic dicks on a folder.<\/p>\n This reminded Tom of what Nybbas had told him about Hell: history is written by the victors. Maybe Satan was kicked out of Heaven because he was annoying, and he was sent to work in the warehouse like he was the dimwitted son of a wealthy business owner.<\/p>\n Then again, maybe none of this was real and what Tom was experiencing was the last gasp of firing neurons in a dying brain.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, what happens next?\u201d Tom asked, breaking the silence.<\/p>\n \u201cHuh? Oh,\u201d Satan said, like he almost forgot Tom was sitting in front of him. \u201cTell me about your life.\u201d<\/p>\n Tom cleared his throat. \u201cWell, it was pretty normal, I guess. I was born, went to a small school out in the country, graduated high school and went to Duke University\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBlue Devils!\u201d Satan exclaimed. \u201cThat\u2019s like me, but you know,\u201d Satan gestured to his face, \u201cBlue.\u201d<\/p>\n Tom nodded. \u201cYeah, that\u2019s the one. My dad went there so he got me in. I didn\u2019t really have the grades or demeanor to succeed. I got mixed up with drugs and flunked out, ended up disowned by my parents and living on the streets. Then the last thing I did when I was alive was steal a lady\u2019s purse, ran out into the street in front of a bus and now I\u2019m here.\u201d<\/p>\n The devil shook his head. \u201cYou were only 23, right?\u201d<\/p>\n Tom nodded. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cQuite the wasted life, wasn\u2019t it, Tom?\u201d<\/p>\n Tom\u2019s eyes welled up with tears again. Whether this was real or not didn’t matter, he did get hit by the bus and was either dead or dying. \u201cIt\u2019s not how I wanted things to go. I just got mixed up in the wrong crowd, one thing led to another and I ended up where I was. That\u2019s not how I wanted my life to be, and now\u2026 it\u2019s too late to change anything.\u201d<\/p>\n Tom was sobbing, burying his head in his hands.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, this is awkward,\u201d Satan said, he walked around his desk and stood in front of Tom with his arms outstretched. \u201cCome on, bring it in for a hug.\u201d<\/p>\n Tom shook his head. \u201cI\u2019ll be okay.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou sure? Might be the last one you get. This is Hell, after all.\u201d<\/p>\n Satan was smiling, his eyebrows raised as he bounced on his knees, enticing Tom to accept his hug. Tom got the feeling that Satan wasn\u2019t going to move until he agreed, so he stood up and leaned in for a hug. Satan squeezed him tight in his arms, stroking Tom\u2019s hair.<\/p>\n \u201cThere you go, buddy,\u201d Satan said.<\/p>\n This is too fucking weird<\/em>, Tom thought as he felt Satan pat his back. Then he heard humming. Tom recognized the song, but he had to be mistaken; there was no way Satan would be humming that song. Tom’s certainty of the song was confirmed when Satan began singing the chorus in a soft falsetto, stroking Tom\u2019s hair.<\/p>\n Hold me closer tiny dancer. Satan released Tom from the hug and looked down at him. \u201cHow\u2019s that? Doing better now?\u201d<\/p>\n Tom nodded, still a bit dumbfounded by what just happened.<\/p>\n After releasing Tom from the hug Satan returned to his chair.<\/p>\n This has to be a dream<\/em>\u00a0Tom thought as he sat back down in his seat.\u00a0There\u2019s no way Satan is this\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n Weird? Incompetent? Lonely? All of the above?<\/p>\n \u201cSo now,\u201d Satan began, \u201cyour assignment. Your eternal damnation for a lifetime of sin. Are you ready for it?\u201d<\/p>\n Tom took a deep, possibly imaginary breath, then nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cYou can\u2019t just nod, you have to say, \u2018I\u2019m ready\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m ready,\u201d Tom replied.<\/p>\n Satan cleared his throat.<\/p>\n \u201cYour punishment,\u201d Satan began, pausing for dramatic effect after each clause. \u201cFor all of eternity, which is until the end of time, and then after that, and then even after that, will be\u2026 pitchfork cleaner!\u201d<\/p>\n Satan was trying not to giggle. He shoved his fist against his mouth as he looked at Tom.<\/p>\n \u201cPitchfork cleaner?\u201d Tom replied.<\/p>\n \u201cYep,\u201d Satan said, stifling his giggling as he spoke. \u201cYour job is to clean all the pitchforks of all the lesser imps and demons.\u201d<\/p>\n Satan was shaking, biting his lip.<\/p>\n \u201cAll of \u2018em.\u201d<\/p>\n A small giggle broke through.<\/p>\n \u201cAll the pitchforks.\u201d<\/p>\n Tom sighed, then nodded. \u201cAlright then, when do I start?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou start\u2026\u201d Satan let out a burst of laughter. \u201cYou start… never! Because that\u2019s a joke! I got you again!\u201d<\/p>\n Tom shrugged. \u201cYeah, you got me good that time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou were all, ‘pitchforks? I don\u2019t know!’\u201d Satan crossed his eyes and threw up his hands. \u201cThat’s you, that\u2019s what you looked like.\u201d He crossed his eyes and shrugged again. \u201c’Pitchforks? I don\u2019t know!’ Priceless!\u201d<\/p>\n Satan slapped his hand on the desk and laughed. Tom just sat and waited for him to finish.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re a good sport Tom,\u201d Satan said. \u201cHey, tell you what, you wanna help me prank the next guy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat, really? Can I?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure! Let\u2019s do it!\u201d<\/p>\n Satan hit the intercom button on his phone. He looked up at Tom, putting a finger to his lips to shush him as he tried containing his laughter.\u201cNybbas, is that you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Satan cut him off. \u201cAre you there, Nybbas? I can\u2019t hear you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, this\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNybbas? Can you hear me? It\u2019s Satan.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can-\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNybbas! Nybbas! Can you hear me Nybbas?\u201d<\/p>\n A heavy sigh came over the intercom as Satan chuckled. \u201cYou can hear me, can\u2019t you sir?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGot you!\u201d Satan said, laughing. \u201cThat never gets old, does it?\u201d<\/p>\n Another heavy sigh came over the intercom before Nybbas spoke. \u201cNope. Never.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNybbas you can send the next one up.\u201d<\/p>\n Satan stood up from behind his desk and ran over to the elevator, motioning for Tom to join him. \u201cThis is going to be good!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo what about my assignment?\u201d Tom asked.<\/p>\n \u201cOh yes, about that,\u201d Satan said. \u201cI\u2019ll be honest with you Tom. Hell is a pretty boring place for me. You wanna just hang out? Help me welcome new humeys?\u201d<\/p>\n Tom shrugged. \u201cSure, why not?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGreat! Let\u2019s get ready for the new guy. Where is your pitchfork?\u201d Satan asked.<\/p>\n Tom shook his head. \u201cI didn\u2019t get a pitchfork.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDid you already lose your pitchfork? That\u2019s pretty serious Tom, you need your pitchfork.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut I didn\u2019t get one downstairs, they just,\u201d Tom began, then noticed that Satan\u2019s eyes were bulging as he bit his lower lip to contain his laughter.<\/p>\n \u201cIs this another joke?\u201d<\/p>\n Satan laughed, smacking Tom on the back. \u201cYou catch on quick.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nCount the headlights on the highway.
\nLay me down in sheets of linen.
\nYou had a busy day today.<\/em><\/p>\n
\n